The Heaviest Weight

8/23/24

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Hey guys!

Today is a serious blog post, but it’s not a bad one. It’s good, I think? But very important.

I don’t believe it a lot when people say it — but I truly feel like everything in my point has led up to this point.

There are content warnings here for mentions of child sexual assault, as well as general trauma. So please take caution!

It’s not really a surprise at all, but I was molested in my youth. In 2013, I think? I hate that word.. but I thought a lot about how people are suddenly so sanitary about issues like this.. how they won’t even call it by its name, so I’ll just tell it how it is. We can't be afraid to talk about it after all. That's what hurts so many people at the end of the day..

Anyways. I vented about this to trusted friends, or maybe you saw me mention vaguely being in fear on Spacehey last year.. (　´_ゝ｀) I regret venting on Spacehey. Not because it was a failing by any means.. but because there were so many people who saw me being so vulnerable. My entire life was shaped by that night so many years ago.. I developed DID, PTSD, depression.. Maybe I would’ve been a happier and calmer person if it never happened, but I also wouldn’t be sitting here writing to you right now! The circumstances are terrible, but I’ve learned to be at peace with the effects of my trauma.. so that’s good! I know some people might be worried this is too private of a thing to share for my safety, but the only reason I'm sharing it is because I'm confident people can't use it against me. (＃￣ω￣) I have a lovely support system these days. I have more to worry about than things on the internet.

Anyways.. today I took a plunge I didn’t realize would happen today! I always told myself that I would do it when I felt like it… but suddenly, my grandma was sending me a photo comparing me to my abuser, and I just shut down. We are visiting that family in a couple of months — a place far, far away that I haven’t felt safe enough to visit in roughly ten years. He is there, too. I told her vaguely that I had some trauma regarding our relationship and that I would not like to speak to him or see his face.. and she respected that. So that was a scary little leap! But, my grandma… often times you can tell her over and over again that you don’t want something, and she’ll do it anyway because she assumes it’ll be good for everyone. One of us tried to come out to her — and she told EVERYONE!! That relative just gaslit her back into thinking she never said it and was straight all along.. lol

I didn’t think that me confronting my grandma would be enough. I don’t entirely trust her to take my word for it and keep him away from me when I come to visit… especially since she doesn’t know what he's done to me. So, that relative I mentioned just a bit ago? That’s my aunt. She’s always been the kindest and most relatable out of everyone… so I thought, if I confide in anyone, it’ll be you.

So, I told her everything. (I asked first, of course). I was petrified because I thought that she might not believe me or that she might get mad at me.. but she was.. so supportive, actually. I cried a lot. She was furious with him and so sad about what had happened to me.. she said she just wanted to take all the hurt away. She said she’d always advocate for me, and keep me safe, especially when I came to visit. It was just so cathartic..

But it was.. it really was. I just can’t stop cryinggg… i’m believed and supported and people want to protect me.. i can’t believe it.. they believe me

i just can’t believe it.. it’s a dream come true.. my worst nightmare was even having to be near him for a second. To see him with my own two eyes again.. and even if it does come to that, they’ll protect me.. they’ll keep him away and take me elsewhere and I’ll be okay. my nightmares aren’t an actual possibility anymore. it’s still sinking in..

I’m so happy and proud and anxious.. tomorrow I am gonna call that aunt on the phone. It’ll be scary for me.. but i’m ready for it. Jk, I’m totally not. But i know now that i’ll be in good hands (；´д｀)=3

that’s enough for me

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