Dear Sunshine

12/3/24

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( Content warnings below for mentions of self-harm and suicidal ideation. )

hi guys!! I'm happy to be writing this despite everything. It's been a very very hard week for me ...

 

(￣～￣;) For some reason my mental health medication won't be refilled, although I've run all out and contacted my psychiatrist.. It's been a week or so now, I think — I lost track. But my brain isn't handling it well at all.. That's been really frustrating. I hope you can forgive me for not working on my website as much. There are a lot of things I want to change and do, but these circumstances have made it really hard lately. So, it's been harder to focus on making things like blog posts or changes to the website. Sometimes I feel really bad for not working on it.. like I'm neglecting something I love.

(￣.￣;) I was thinking for a while that it's a little upsetting how this is how I feel without medication. Not that medication is a bad thing. I hate that sort of a talking point.. that it's 'dystopian' to rely on pills to perform and be happy.. or that the 'best antidepressant' is actually being out in nature or something. I guess for a moment, I was concerned about this being how I felt 'naturally'. But to be fair, I guess my head isn't in the most natural state anymore..

 

Sometimes I feel like Lexapro and Wellbutrin made me happy to an almost obnoxious extent. Every day I just feel so happy, and there are days where the only thought that runs around in my head is how happy I am with everything, how much I love everyone, etc.. and it doesn't feel phony. Sometimes I worry that the medication just fills my head with those thoughts.. but you know, even without my medication these days, I still feel that way. That everything is so beautiful, and that it's worth looking for a bright side to things. But I just can't FEEL it right now. And that's pretty upsetting..

I remembered how happy I was growing up, too..? To the same obnoxious extent that the medication makes me. Like, I guess everyone is a happy kid, but I was very excitable, I loved everything, and wanted to be friends with everyone.. (・_・;) There wasn't much I remember hating, except for things like math, deforestation, and being picked on... but nothing really ever hurt my spirit. I was always high energy no matter what -- and sometimes I lacked the self-awareness to be anything but happy and trusting and overly kind. I just wanted to be everyone's friend, and to protect animals and the forests back home (I wrote a letter to the state saying I didn't want them to cut down the trees.. but anyways, there's no trees behind my childhood home anymore, just housing projects).

Even when everyone was going through puberty, I was always happy.. I remember trying really hard to make friends with a new kid, and it worked, but I didn't understand why my friends were making fun of me? I guess because he was a 'nerd' or something, or not conventionally attractive, or whatever. I never understood... I played pretend basically up until I couldn't find a single person who wanted to anymore.. I'm pretty sure my friends and I would even play pretend as Avatar in freshman year (lolol).. can't we do that again? Doesn't anyone miss it... if we called LARPing 'playing outside', would we do it again?..

But anyways, in middle school, I think everything started to spiral. I had been pretty depressed for a while, but I was still always a fairly happy girl, right? I always wanted to make lots of friends, and I didn't let anything hold me back. There was a year, though, where all of my friends moved over the summer, and I was totally alone. It's a really bad situation for an autistic girl to be in, no matter how extroverted you are, or how hard you try.. I tried really hard at first! It was super tough!! I would talk to other kids whenever it was appropriate to, about things like what we did in class, what we did over the weekend, that I liked their clothes, etc... and I always got treated like filth, or like I said something really stupid. It hurt sooo baddd.. I think it was then that I stopped being able to feel as happy, I think.

I don't know exactly how depression works, but I know there are issues with a lack of serotonin, or managing other stress hormones, etc.. and I keep thinking about how I feel just like I did back then. Something terrible would happen, and at first I just took it -- but as time went on, I started to feel really hurt by how people were treating me.. I tried to be really nice, but people always only ever shouted or laughed at me -- and then when I took the hint and started to keep to myself and mind my business, there would people who would pester me anyways. There were boys who would 'ask me out' as a joke.. (that's such a horrible thing to do). I never got my hopes up and always told them to leave me alone right away, because I never liked boys, and it was always pretty obvious that they were only talking to you to bother you, but it's such a horrible thing to have happen to you.. It just totally crushes your self-esteem.

(-_-;) Things were hurting me so much, and I didn't understand why everyone was being so cruel. It felt like there was no escape from people's abuse. And I wasn't used to suddenly not being able to shake off these bad feelings! I didn't know why I couldn't just keep thinking happy thoughts and moving on.. I think at some point, I wanted to badly to shout, “why are you being so terrible to me!? Don't you see how bad it hurts?!”, but it was impossible -- so at the time I started cutting. I didn't like the pain at all, honestly. A lot of people say it's for attention -- and it WAS, in a way. I would get so embarrassed and upset that I wanted to do those things to myself. And in my head, it was a way to go, “look, don't you realize you're hurting me?”. Kids that age don't realize that it'll lead to more bullying, though..

I haven't done that regularly for a long time, but being unmedicted is really scary -- because I worry that it might happen again. (ーー;) Even when bad things happen, usually, I can brush it off, see that it's no big deal, and that there are other things to be happy about. But lately, it's like, I can't do that at all... A small thing inconveniences me, or someone is rude, and I just want to hurt myself again to go “don't you see how much pain I'm already in? leave me alone!!” .. but it seems it never helps or satisfies anyone at all. It's only a bad habit anyway, no one is doing anything bad enough to warrant such a thing.. but when I struggle this much, it's so hard.. I don't want to be alone, but there's a bit risk I take by putting myself out there to communicate when I'm in such a terrible state. Like, earlier today, I was thinking I should call a hotline (I've only done that once in my entire life!), but I decided not to -- because I was pretty sure that if one irritated or unhelpful employee said the wrong thing, I'd do something rash... so I played Pokemon and slept instead. (maybe that's the best thing to have done?)

(￢_￢;) And it's so stupid when it's something really dumb that upsets you. Like, earlier, probably some kid with no valuable role models in their life was sexually harassing me on Roblox.. I just ignored it, because I thought it would be shameful of me to be a grown adult being hurt by such benign actions. (More like, I thought someone would be ashamed of me or think I was stupid if I let it get under my skin). But I just kept thinking, like... it's so cruel, people these days never consider.. I'm just a stranger, and if my mental constitution were any weaker, I might snap -- and no one ever thinks about that.
But there's lots I want to live for and do, and I don't want to hurt myself or do anything bad anyway.. But having tried it once is reason enough for me to worry a lot about feeling this way again. I can't die having never left my home. ANd besides, there are a lot of people who count on me.

Things are just so difficult these days. I had a really nice holiday, but I've been crying and feeling nauseous the whole time, so it feels like every day was a bad one, although I had lots of fun with friends and family. I just want to feel better. Things are so hard lately. I just worry so much and I want everyone to be nice to me and tell me it'll be okay.

I almost wanted to apologize for saying something so negative, but it's my website after all... what's really shameful is how taboo it has become to really verbalize your struggles, but there are probably so many people struggling alone. I don't want you to think I'm suddenly a very negative person, or that I need to be handled with kiddy gloves.. I'll feel better anyway once I can just get a little more help making hormones and such the way I'm supposed to. It isn't scandalous to talk about your emotions, even if they seem scary or bad.

But yeah, this isn't a cry for help or anything. ┐(￣ヘ￣;)┌ I'm just really sick of being quiet when I'm hurting... it's better to say something than to hurt myself.. I still have scars from it -- and that's not a bad thing. I came to love them (but not glorify them), they match with the pale stripey stretch-marks I get in strange places from my EDS..

Speaking of which, I'll end this on a high note!! A little later into middle school, I had finally gotten a few friends, but I was still a pretty depressed person.. It's kind of sad, their first impression of me was that I must be a very boring or sad person before they spoke to me (ME!? OF ALL PEOPLE!? DON'T EVER LET PEOPLE SHRINK YOU INTO A BARELY-RECOGNIZABLE HUSK OF YOUR FORMER SELF!!!!).. I was sad, but not boring or bleak! Life was just super hard.. And on top of that, I was getting stretch-marks in the weirdest places where there wasn't any weight gain. Like my knees and my back. I was really ashamed of them, and one day during my gym, my friend pointed them out, since usually I would wear longer sleeves. I was a little shy and said something like, “yeah, they're just stretch-marks, I'm not sure why they're there..”. But she said something like, “What, I think they're super cool!!! I'm jealous! They're like tiger stripes!!”

oouu and i never forgot about that comment, not ever.. (｡T ω T｡) i think if i never heard that, i'd have to reluctantly convince myself that they're pretty, but i've been very confident and proud of them ever since. i love my stretch marks.. i love all the marks on my body, even the ones with not-so-happy origins. when other friends saw it, they said it's like my body fought a little war, or like my skin is telling a story.. i kind of liked hearing that. I guess you could say that's not ever something a lucky person hears, but I must be lucky if I'm around to hear it from people I love so much.

yeah.. that's all.. um, my hands kind of hurt so I want to play games instead of typing so much. thanks for reading up to this point! I love you .. and hey, don't worry so much about me! Or.. do.. I never like to make people worry, but, I'm gonna have to come to terms with the fact that people are just going to care about me sometimes. And you're allowed to do that. I'll care about you, too.. let's all support each other, okay? Stay strong, always.
 

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