CGDT Blues.. 
9/2/24
ahh.. nothing quite like the awkward 3 minutes of silence at the end of Basshunter's Dota…
Selamat pagiii.. you know, I really love to read and watch those nice slice-of-life things about tight-knit friend groups of girls who do everything together and are maybe a little queer about it (Not the ones that are super sexual though, I can't stand that). It makes me feel really at peace, that's the kind of life I really desire! 
Stuff like Nichijou, K-ON!, Bocchi the Rock, Hidamari Sketch, Eizouken, Yuyushiki… probably others…
They make me happy, but they also make me.. SO DARN SAD!?? 
It was totally worse before I got on medication, totally. I watched Bocchi for the first time and felt torn up by the end of it, thinking ‘。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。WHY CAN’T I HAVE THAT!?!?'… but at that time, I also didn't really have any Internet friends either? Just my Spacehey mutuals that would read my journals and occasionally comment.. There's no doubt I wouldn't have a little bit of a raincloud over my head. Those were pretty hard times.. Y'know, I've been too disabled to do many things comfortably for a little over four years, right? Ever since I graduated, I've been.. at home. (´-ω-`) That's fine. My parents support me all the way, there isn't pressure to pursue a job that could hurt or kill me. I watch my baby sister while they're away at work, so that means there isn't any wiggle room for me to do online schooling since I'm busy 7-8 hours a day with my sis.
Again, it's… fine. I have a nice family! I don't take it for granted at all. I have a lovely therapist, and kind and helpful doctors.. I have a procedure next week, and just a few days ago I was diagnosed with EDS.. my first ACTUAL, BIG DIAGNOSIS..!!! But even with that, I'm still sick, still hurting, still with mystery ailments? So what exactly do I do?
heh, easy one.. i stay home and go on my computer, read, and watch things.
A pretty easy life I have now, but it isn't perfect, right? I don't have any money after all! And I can't drive (I don't intend to, not safe).. Not much to do within walking distance.. Irl friends have moved hours away.. Weed makes my tummy hurt.. No remote jobs available..
So I do get pretty bored and lonely.
I guess it's kind of corny, feeling so sappy over shows about high school girls being friends? ( ; ω ; ) I was a high school girl not even that long ago. Although, listen – I was also an autistic, lesbian high school girl. I had my friend circles!! We had so much fun together, really! I felt really included.. we would play pretend together despite our big age. We went roller skating, and hung out at each other's houses.. We went to the mall.. (´-ω-`) it was really nice. Although, some years passed – and a few of our high school friends moved away. Another stopped associating with us because of a small fight between the others.. so it was just me and one girl left, and her friend. She was pretty nice to me, I guess! We didn't always agree, but we were still buddies. We played video games together a lot and goofed around in our shared music class. But.. y'know, we didn't hang out anymore.
I always thought “jeez, it's a shame our group all drifted apart.. 
". My one remaining friend would mention texting the others sometimes or playing online games with them, and I'd think, ‘oh, what! they never respond to me, maybe i should try again…' Maybe they'd just forgotten?
After I graduated, I offhandedly thought of them again and went to one of my friend's Instagram profiles.. and they'd all been hanging out without me without saying anything. Even when school was still in session. (つω` ") They had recently gone on a road trip and were posting such fun pictures of themselves at diners late at night and snuggling in the morning and it just made me feel so, so awful. I cried so much that day. That was the day I wiped all record of my high school life off the internet. Gone forever! I'm glad I did that, phew..
(´-ω-`) but when I think back on it, in hindsight, they were always quite cruel to me. I'd read back in our chats and someone would persistently be mocking me. If I messed up speaking verbally, they'd talk to each other in front of me like ‘did you understand a word of that?’. Or, if I got bothered by something, they'd instigate until I was very mad and then laugh at how angry I was compared to how composed they all were. One of these times, I got so angry I had punched a metal door hard enough to dent it and fractured a knuckle.. the whole time I was in a splint, they mocked me. <_<" They'd call me stupid and make fun of my hair constantly.. (i thought it was just playful teasing). There was a time when they laughed because I flinched hard when they swung at me. I asked them earnestly in private to stop, because I had endured abuse in the past and was genuinely very upset.. and they said OK! then kept doing it.. but hey, no one's perfect!! That's just how friends play, probably.. 
But looking back on that, I suddenly felt.. sooo so angry. I cried so much at how betrayed and stupid I felt. I don't even know what they kept me around for - because we definitely had some good times too? I don't know. But I suddenly felt robbed of a proper ‘high school girl’ experience. I feel as if I never had one to begin with. It still makes me really upset to think about.. ( ；｀ヘ´) why bully me??
I guess seeing shows like the ones I mentioned in the beginning make me feel.. so so achy. （；￣ェ￣）It's what I missed out on. What I still want.. I haven't had a sleepover in over 10 years.. all my childhood friends are proper and mentally and financially well-off, they're beautiful and cishet and normal and I'm just Me. It hurts so bad.. The friend's I'd grown up with who were actually fairly nice and queer and similarly ‘challenged’ mentally, of course they'd never do anything to wrong me. But nowadays too, I see them actually blossoming into proper adults.. they bake with their friends and attend parties and sleepovers and go places and I just can't do any of that. It takes so much time and effort to plan an outing with ONE of my friends, let alone, like, five of them.. I don't think I have that many irl friends in the state, genuinely.
This became so sad unintentionally!! 
My point is, though.. growing up autistic? That's traumatic! Growing up queer? Similarly so! But then.. when I am finally free from the vicious cycle that is American public schooling, suddenly my wings are clipped and I can't do anything. (￣ω￣;) At all. I'm stuck inside.. no one is around.. no easy way to make friends… it's so roughh. so rough. so rough… I want to sleep over.. I want to go to the beach and swim.. and I want to eat together and play stupid games. And I want to snuggle and travel together.. I don't want to be a laughing stock, really. That's all.. just treat me kindly and value me as an important individual in your life and I'll be happy.
By the way, that's not to say I discredit my online friends, not at all!!! I love you all so much.. 
I don't know where I'd be without you. That's why I'm always super eager to meet new people, or get emails, or friend requests.. (⌒_⌒;) It's to make sure I stay happy and not super lonely.
Buaaa.. anyways.. i love you guys a lot! Thanks for reading all the way down here?? 
It means a lot.. making a website has been so good for me mentally and socially. I appreciate and love every single one of you, ESPECIALLY those of you reading this right now! yes, you! Thank you so much for stopping by and listening to me ramble, even if out of pity lolol. You make my life a lot easier, seriously.
Please know you're always so valued and loved, even if I don't quite know who you are.
( and hey, I saw old guestbook messages from people wanting to approach me but are too shy? come here!!! I don't bite!!!!)
Anyways, here, look.. I'm testing something! To make my blogs a little more interactive (and for those of you who are shy).. I'm implementing a sort of .. write-in thing? You can send whatever you want anonymously.. and I'll respond to it in my coming blog posts (unless you specifically ask me to keep your message private! can do!). I think that might be fun.. so, let's give it a shot!
Type in anything down below, anything at all.. the next blog post will consist of me replying to them lolol (*ﾉ∀`*) ..
Currently listening to: ひとりぼっち - DIY! Soundtrack
Current mood: treat me kindly..
