Tired girl

4/10/25

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Selamat pagiii.. I’m writing to see if it’ll help articulate my feelings. It’s been a nice day so far, although I just woke up, cause I got to sleep in with my sister. The mourning doves are singing… I peeled her some oranges, but it always takes me a while, ‘cause I like to get rid of all the pith, first, or as much as I can.. but it hardly matters, since she gobbles them up instantly! But Dad leaves so much pith on them. So I hope maybe, even if she gobbles them up quickly, she can taste that they’re sweeter than usual!
 

But, uh, yeah. Hi guys.  (｡ŏ_ŏ)

I’ve been feeling really crummy lately. It’s very hard to exist among others. So much.. but I love people. I love my friends. I love being. It’s nice or I guess it’s nice in theory, but I feel so ostracized no matter what I do. And it’s very, very hard to tell what you should do when you can’t tell what you need changed. Because it isn’t anything like my old ‘friend group’ in high school treated me, with cruelty and frustration. I don’t know that I feel that people mean to leave me out of things, but I feel it, and I feel it deep and hard and I feel it just about every day. It’s terrible.

I get the sense sometimes that I’m largely valued for what I can offer to others.. if I am the one getting everyone together to hang out, I feel like that’s where my worth ends. I’m a cool person because I make websites and art and write and I get people together, I’m a worthy daughter because I do childcare work every single Monday through Friday 5-3 and don’t complain about not getting paid, although, I’m disabled, it’s all I have, etc etc. Just a conduit for others to interact, or a bridge… a doormat? I am sick..

I dunno. I can’t explain it!! I feel really silly doing so. I don’t want to blame my friends. Surely, I’d communicate it, if I knew what I wanted or needed from them. I can’t just say “I feel like you’re treating me wrong, but I don’t know that you are, and I don’t know what I need done differently”. So usually I just cry.

I hate that I can’t go out. I hate that I can’t work. I hate that I don’t have friends in real life. I hate that I feel like I’m never a first priority. I hate that I don’t have money! I hate that no one even cares!!
 

I guess I kind of wish sometimes that people would ACTUALLY reach out. sometimes people do and I appreciate it a lot. It’s definitely not something that never happens but, no one ever just wants to come talk to me? Everyone asks to do something but no one wants to just listen or be listened to. I don’t know. upsetting… I want to be spoken to as well.. People always talk over me, ignore me, etc. I feel sort of like sometimes I’m just a well-loved toy people bring along for things. And the things I want or feel or wanna talk about don’t matter. Ugh.
 

Being autistic is so obscenely hard I dunno .. not to mention whatever the lexapro and wellbutrin is treating, depression, anxiety.. i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know. I don’t know what to do! It’s not like my friends totally hate me.. we hang out and stuff, and I like my friends, and I think they like me too. But I feel like such an afterthought every single day of my life (･̆⍛･̆) I hate it.
 

I don’t really love this blog post either but it’s whatever! It’s just me being emotionally constipated, bahaha.
 

It’ll come to me tomorrow, maybe. When I hear the mourning doves sing again

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